50 Shades of Green
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Raph is interviewed by a young inept college student. She is soon overcome with lust for his mysterious sexy rage. Will they ever overcome his complete apathy for her and her needy whining?
1. Kate, Is That You?

_I kept wondering how Raph would react if he met Anastasia Rose Steele and thought it might go a little like this… I don't know why he would agree to be interviewed by a college student, but whatever. This is a parody. No I haven't read the books, but I think I know as much as I want to know about it._

_I wrote as much as I could stomach. _

_Now with proper grammar… Well, better grammar…_

Raph sat in a small room in an abandoned warehouse on a foraged office chair that looked like an office worked possibly died and rotted seated at their desk and nervously checked the time on his cell phone. Wasn't this girl supposed to interview him at noon? Like he didn't have anything better to do than sit there and wait for somebody to show up to interview him.

Finally, the office door opened and a mousy brunette in a frumpy blue sweater tripped through the doorway and fell flat on her face. Raph jumped to his feet, wondering if she was drunk and considered whether or not he should berate her for being that inconsiderate of his time. She got to her feet without his assistance and he shifted from foot to foot, finally saying, "So you're Kate Kavanaugh? I'm supposed to be interviewed as a vigilante, you know? For some college newspaper?"

"I'm her friend Anastasia Rose Steele," she said as she sat down in another office chair and he wondered if she'd forgotten to take some psychiatric medication or something because she stared at him as if she'd never seen a talking mutant turtle before. Oh, wait. She probably hadn't.

Raph tried to smile and then stopped smiling, gauging the level of unintentional creepiness. "Sorry I'm so ugly and all. But if you're going to stare at me like that the whole time you can just leave. Where's Kate? I talked to Kate on the phone. I thought I was going to be interviewed by her." Did you kill her and hide her body? "Is she sick?" Was this a set up? Did she work for Saki?

"I'm her roommate. Why are you talking about Kate so much? You like her better than me don't you?! Just because she's so much prettier than me and rich and what all men want! You wanted her instead of me!" Her wiry frame heaved with angst and she bit her lip and blushed.

Raph rolled his office chair away a few feet. "Well, yeah. You seem like a crazy person. She was actually nice to me on the phone. Most of the time I get threats to cut me up because I'm a freak. And I never saw her, so I don't know if I like… Why am I saying this shit to you! Why is her roommate here? If she couldn't make it why didn't she call and tell me and why didn't she send another person from the student newspaper to fill in?"

"Ugh." Ana rolled her eyes and then said, "I'm sorry I rolled my eyes! Did it make you angry? Are you going to punish me?"

"Uh…" Raph wrinkled up his face and had a sudden urge to call Leo and demand that he stand outside the door as a bodyguard. "Do you have any questions? Hey, is Kate okay?"

"Questions?" She fumbled in her backpack and pulled out a dog-eared stack of paper. She looked over the first page, blushed and shoved the papers back in her backpack. "No, I don't have any questions. She's sick I guess. I didn't notice. I was too busy thinking about how ugly I am compared to her and how it's such a burden to have an interview with one of the most elusive figures in New York City grant an interview with me so that I get the bragging rights and she gets to sit at home in her stupid pink pajamas that I hate and sneeze and blow her nose. She has all the fun! She's blond! I hate her!"

"Well, that's not her fault if she's sick!" What was this chick's problem? "Just ask me a fucking question so I can get this over with. Leo said I need to work on my public relation skills. I said, 'I have fine public relation skills. I relate like this!'" And he smashed a fist into his palm.

Ana gasped and blushed. "Do you like hurting people?"

"Huh? Yeah, I like to hit things. I go out patrolling on my own a lot. Blow off some stress. I probably have the highest death-rate between my brothers." That probably wasn't something to brag about. "You know, my oldest brother is the leader. He's real good at fighting and not killing people. That's another thing I'm supposed to work on. Are you going to write anything down?"

Ana stared at him and then looked at him out from under her lashes.

"Something wrong with your eyes? You need to fish out an eyelash? I can look for a mirror… Anyway, we grew up in the sewers. We started out as these little pet shop turtles, right? And our father is this rat that was raised by a Japanese ninja masters. And we got into this radioactive mutagen…"

"Do you think that you experience so much sexual tension with your brother Leo because you're gay?" she randomly blurted.

He reared his head back in offense. "WHAT?! I am not gay! And I don't have… first of all, there is no sexual tension with my own FUCKING BROTHER! GOT IT! NONE! DID YOU NOT HEAR THE BROTHER PART? SAY THAT AGAIN AND I'LL… JUST DON'T SAY IT AGAIN!"

"You're so angry! Or you'll do what to me? I don't want you to hurt me! But I do! Please don't hurt me! But it makes you happy, so I'll pretend I like it too!"

"Okay…" Raph pushed the chair so far away that it hit the wall. "I think I'm going to call Kate now and make sure she's really okay…" He pulled out his cell phone and had a brief chat with Kate. He verified that she was, in fact, not bound and gagged in this crazy bitch's trunk, she did have a cold, and had asked her roommate to interview him. Her roommate was an English major and she thought it might be a good opportunity for her. He told Kate that it was thoughtful of her to think of this opportunity for her friend, but she seemed a little off balance. Kate assured him that Ana was a really great, smart and independent woman and he would really like her. He mumbled uncertainly and she begged him to finish the interview because it was a big opportunity for Ana and it was important for the city to see that there were individuals like him who cared about cleaning crime up in the city. His male reptilian teenage heart blossomed with the praise and he puffed his chest a little. "Yeah, things are real shitty out there. But I try to get as many fuckers off the streets as I can! Okay, I'll get it another shot. Have some soup and get better." Kate was okay. As far as he knew anyway.

He tucked the cell phone away and said, "So, Ana…"

And she let out a series of glorious orgasms, elicited by the sound of his manly voice saying her name and processing through her medulla oblongata. "OH! YES YES YES! You said my name!" And she fell sideways off her chair, exhausted.

"Yeah, I think you need to see a doctor for that. Are you sure you're not the sick one?" Now Raph's face flushed. "That's… Okay, please don't do that again. Anyway, were you going to ask me any more questions?"

She sat back on her stool and said, "My Inner Goddess is ablaze with fire because you said my name."

"That's nice…"

"Okay," Ana muttered as she clumsily pulled out the discarded pages of questions and rummaged for something to ask. "Do you have a penis or testicles? I can't see them anywhere. And you don't really wear clothes…"

"Hey… I don't know…" Raph spluttered awkwardly. "YES, I HAVE A PENIS! I'M MALE, AIN'T I!? ASK SOMETHING RELEVANT HERE! YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS OVER! GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

And Raph grabbed her by the elbow and tossed her out into the street, slamming the door after her. He stood fuming and growling for a few seconds before he hung his head and then opened the door again. "Hey, I'm sorry. That was rude. I shouldn't have tossed you out. You okay? Just… don't ask me shit like that. I don't even know you!"

Ana lay on the ground in the fetal position sobbing. "You don't love me! Is it because I'm not blond?!"

Raph felt very sorry for this sad girl with no self-esteem and pulled her to her feet by the arm. "Hey, stop crying. You're kind of cute. Stop talking about blonds and look in a mirror. I'm sure there's some nice guy out there for you. Just… don't be so creepy and come off so strong. You're acting like a drunk prom date. You need me to call somebody to pick you up?"

"No I'll take Wanda." She staggered in desolate misery to the end of the alley.

"Hey, wait!" Raph galloped a few steps. "I have a really bad feeling about you going home alone. But give me your number and I'll call you in a while to see if you got home safely. Okay? And… don't ask guys about their dicks or incest or shit like that when you first meet."

Ana got in her rickety VW Beetle and Raph watched her drive off into the dark night. What a head-case.

* * *

The dreary night dragged on, as Raph punched a guy in the face and then rammed his head into a brick wall. "It's not polite to break into people's places at night. I need to teach you some manners…" Oh, he'd forgotten to check on that Ana chick to see if she made it home without crashing her car or irritating some guy until she got killed.

"Just a minute," Raph said as he dropped the thug on the ground and then stood on his chest with one foot to immobilize him as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Ana's number. "Hey, Ana? Why is it so loud? I thought you were going home."

"I'm so drunk, wooohooooooo!" she said into the phone over the babbling crowd. "Jose is trying to kiss me. I'm so drunk….."

"Do you want me to come help you out?" Please say no.

"No! I'm an independent woman! I don't need your help!" And she hung up on him.

Okay then. He pulled the thug up by the shirt. "Where were we?"

* * *

A half an hour later, Raph got a phone call and he held the phone at arm's length when he saw the name CRAZY ANA flash on the screen. He answered tentatively and said, "Hello?"

"Why didn't you come pick me up?!" She shouted drunkenly into the phone. "Jose was all over me!"

"You said you didn't want me to! What was I supposed to do? Come flying over there and kidnap you? Ask the bartender to get you a cab!" Raph hung up on her and trudged through the smelly sewer towards home.

A few minutes later the phone rang again. "My Inner Goddess wants you to spank me! I need to see you! My Fifty Shades of Green!"

"Are you sure you don't have a mental problem?" Raph stood vacillating between letting her get killed so that she wouldn't call him anymore or going to get her, taking her home and then refusing to answer if she called him again. He knew he should do that latter. He couldn't just let girls get killed because they annoyed him. "Okay, tell me where you are and I'll come get you."

Raph headed away from home, towards the bar she had named and hoped that this was their last meeting.

* * *

After Raph scraped Ana's drunk ass off the pavement in front of the bar, he had to endure a young Latino guy, who he presumed was Jose, yelling, "Dios mio!" at him a hundred times.

"Get lost, pal!" Raph snapped. "And if drunk girls say not to kiss them, then don't do it. Hold on…" Raph slug Ana's half-conscious body over a wall and punched Jose in the face. After Jose lay in a puddle of his own blood, muttering, "Dios, mio!" Raph threw Ana over his shoulder and considered tossing her into the back of a cab and directing it towards her home. Then he realized that he didn't know where she lived.

Well, he couldn't take her home to the lair. He'd already taken a woman home, but she was cool. This girl was a psycho and he didn't want her hanging around after the fact. Maybe he could leave her at a hotel. Whenever he went out in public he was forced to wear bulky dark clothes that made him look like a rather suspicious hunchback and didn't know if he could carry an unconscious girl into a hotel room wearing a black ski mask without someone calling the cops on him. Could he leave a drunk chick at a hotel safely by herself? The hospital!

He'd leave her at the hospital. They probably knew what to do with passed out drunk college girls.

But the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a dumb idea.

Raph stood there so long that eventually Kate came out of the bar and Raph yelled at her for letting that annoying Jose dude mack on her drunk friend and commanded her to take Ana's drunk ass home. Kate didn't seem quite to cool anymore.


	2. What a Tool

_I've been picturing that King of the Hill episode where Hank and Drew Carey are both arguing with the Mega-Lo-Mart employees who don't know anything about tools._

How hard was it to buy a hammer? April couldn't find one fucking hammer in any store in the whole of New York City? He suspected that "couldn't" really equaled "didn't look." If he couldn't find a decent hammer at a hardware store then he'd just have to pound nails with his fist. He didn't like doing that. He could, but it kind of hurt.

"Excuse me, miss," Raph said as he hovered awkwardly behind a female employee wearing an orange vest, hoping that his black ski mask wouldn't make her think he was trying to abduct her. "Do you know where I can find the hammers?"

"Hammers?" the girl asked. She turned around and it was Ana-fucking-Steele. "What do you mean?"

Raph sighed. "You work at a hardware store? How did that happen? Whatever, I need a hammer. Where do you keep those?"

Ana shrugged and went back to tossing nails into some sorted bins.

He tapped her impatiently on the shoulder. "I need a hammer!"

"I'm busy thinking about how Raphael the Vigilante doesn't want me because I'm so plain and not-blond. Could you please leave me alone? Oh, I'm graduating from college today too. I think. Meh, whatever."

"WHERE ARE THE HAMMERS?!" Raph shouted.

A handsome young man in a very expensive suit glanced at him as he waved his arms in the air like a berserk gorilla.

Raph put his arms to his sides and said, "Fine, I'll find them myself." He paced the aisles and seemed to find every tool ever invented except hammers and then hovered behind Ana again and when he noticed the good looking businessman had moved to another aisle to peruse the zip-ties, he tapped Ana on the shoulder again and then lifted his ski mask enough for Ana to see his face. "Remember me?"

Ana blushed. "Hello, Mr. Hamato! Why are you here?" she asked with surprise.

"I just fucking told you a bunch of times! I need to buy a hammer! It's not a big mystery!" He yanked the ski mask over his face as the nosy young businessman wandered back into the aisle and stared at them.

"I don't know what those are," she said. "I don't know anything about tools."

"Why do you work in a hardware store then? Why did they hire you?"

"They hired me because I'm smart and independent! Haven't you heard people saying so? Now I'm sorry that I can't help you find the hammers. Why do you need one anyway? Wait a minute! You totally came in here just to watch me work, didn't you?" Ana blushed and flushed and looked at him from under her lashes.

Raph ground his teeth. "I didn't come in here to see you! I went to a hardware store to buy a tool. Is that weird for some reason? Even ugly mutants need to buy a tool once and while." He noticed that Mr. Zip-Tie had now picked up a length of rope and a roll of duct tape. "Whatever. I'm going to look for that hammer on my own. You are a totally fucking useless human being, Ana."

"Come again!" she said brightly and then clapped her hands together, giggling like a school girl and hugged herself with glee. "He loves me! I knew it!"

He shook his head and tailed the young businessman. "So what are you planning to do with those?" Raph asked finally, deciding to give up the pretense that he wasn't following the guy.

"Oh, I'm… going to… hang a… kayak up in my garage…" The young businessman's gorgeous eyes shifted about suspiciously. A few female patrons stared at him, bursting with lust.

Raph awkwardly put his shell to them and said, "Yeah?" He tried to think of something cool and smartass to say, but couldn't up with anything and finally said, "That looks like a rape kit. Planning to tie anybody up with that shit?"

The gorgeous businessman narrowed his eyes with anger. "I could buy and sell you, freak. Out of my way."

"Well… I could… kill and… KILL YOU SOME MORE! DON'T PUSH ME!" Raph stood a few inches taller.

"I'm done here." The gorgeous young guy in the suit went to the cash register and Ana rang up his rape kit.

The whole scenario didn't sit well with Raph. Ana batted her googly eyes at Mr. Rape-Kit and he had a sudden image of the idiot tied up in the trunk of his car.

Raph grabbed an extension cord so he had some kind of excuse to stand in line to talk to Ana, but as soon as he got to the counter, she put out a sign that said THIS REGISTER CLOSED and went back to sorting nails. Raph tapped her on the shoulder again and she said, "Mr. Hamato! What are you doing here?!"

"Am I in some kind of universe where everybody is stupid but me? Who was that guy that just bought the zip ties?"

"Would you hit me if I wore pig-tails? It's childlike and I would be safe from your sexy anger then right?" She pulled hair ties from her pocket and eagerly put her hair into pigtails.

Raph took a few steps back and his shell scraped loudly on a display of electric drills. "Whatever. I'm not touching that pedo thought with a ten inch pole, okay. Forget about Mr. Rape-Kit. If that guy comes up to you, walk the other way. Or kick him in the nuts. Okay? You seem real stupid or I wouldn't bother telling you that kind of basic self-preservation thing. Now where can I get a hammer?"

Ana paced up and down the aisles, biting her lip and blushing. She picked up a tool from a display.

"That's a wrench…" Raph wondered if he should ask Don to give this girl some kind of examination to check for a head injury. "Why couldn't I meet Buffy the Vampire Slayer…?"

"Who is she? Is she blond?" Ana held the wrench in the air as if she were about to whack him in the face with it. "Do you want to hurt me?"

"A little! Where are the hammers?!" Raph decided he'd just order one online and that he'd better follow Mr. Rape-Kit instead.

"My Inner Goddess is doing the meringue in a grass skirt," she said as he headed towards the front door.

* * *

Mr. Rape-Kit stood next to a shiny new Audi and tossed the tools into the trunk. Raph was relieved that there wasn't a woman bound and gagged in there. He tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, douchebag."

"Why are you bothering me? I'm late for a meeting. I have to talk to Ross in New Zealand before the shit hits the fan."

"What? Okay, whatever. Why are you buying this stuff? Are you going to take some woman out behind the boathouse to show her your dark secret or something?"

"Who told you that?" His eyes dodged shiftily up and down the street. "I mean no. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm far too important to be bothered by ugly people. I own a helicopter and thus the world! I'm done here. Laters, baby."

"Yeah, okay. You know what, Mr. Rich-Rapist? I've had enough of you." Raph reached into the rich guy's back pocket and pulled out his wallet.

"Hey! Taylor! Where are you, damn it!" The rich guy jumped up and down as Raph held him at arm's length, his palm on his forehead. "Christian Grey, huh?" Mr. Grey reached for his wallet in vain, as the mutant pushed him away with one hand. "What kind of a pussy name is that?"

"It is the name of the richest man in the country. Now give me my wallet. Taylor! Shoot him!" No Taylor appeared.

"I guess he had to take a piss or something." Raph pulled the car keys out of Christian Grey's hand, unlocked the trunk and then picked up Mr. Grey with one arm and tossed him into the trunk. "Laters, baby," Raph said as he closed the trunk on his stunned, yet gorgeous face.


End file.
